EPISODE 49 – Grief, Resilience, and Moving Forward: A Conversation with Amy Schmidt

Episode 49 – Grief, Resilience, and Moving Forward: A Conversation with Amy Schmidt

Grief changes us, but it rarely follows a straight path. In this episode, Jamie sits down with Amy Schmidt to talk about loss, caregiving, resilience, and what it means to keep moving forward after losing a spouse. Amy shares her deeply personal story of supporting her husband through cancer, navigating anticipatory grief, raising children through uncertainty, and rebuilding life after loss.

Together, Jamie and Amy discuss the realities of caregiving, the emotional complexity of grief, and the importance of allowing yourself to heal in your own time. This honest conversation offers comfort, perspective, and practical insight for anyone walking through loss—or supporting someone who is.

In this episode, we discuss:

•  Amy’s experience caring for her husband through cancer 
•  The difference between anticipatory grief and grief after loss 
•  Why grief is not linear and can resurface unexpectedly 
•  Supporting children and family during serious illness 
•  The importance of boundaries and asking for help 
•  How friends and loved ones can show up in meaningful ways 
•  Navigating identity, resilience, and rebuilding after loss 
•  Why there is no “right timeline” for healing 

Grief looks different for everyone, and there is no perfect roadmap through it. This episode is a reminder that healing is personal, support matters, and moving forward does not mean forgetting. 

At Team Senior™, our mission is to guide you and support you through the maze of Southern Oregon Long-Term Care.

📞 For Team Senior resources, call: 541-295-8230

Or visit our website for more information: https://www.teamsenior.org/

Transcript

Team Senior Podcast — Episode 49 Grief, Resilience, and Moving Forward: A Conversation with Amy Schmidt

JAMIE: Hi, this is Jamie Callahan with the Team Senior Podcast. Our goal is to simplify aging. Society grooms us to plan for retirement, but what about life beyond retirement — where the rubber meets the road? Perhaps you've had a stroke, or you've been diagnosed with cancer, or maybe you're forgetting things and now you have dementia. That's our area of expertise, and we are here to share our insight. And now, the Team Senior Podcast.

Hi, this is Jamie, and I am in the studio today with Amy Schmidt. Amy and I have known each other for a very long time. We've worked on some really huge projects together. I'm so excited to have her here today to talk about something that is relevant to our industry, but is something that is much more personal to her. Amy, why don't you introduce yourself to us.

AMY: I'm Amy Schmidt. I publish the Retirement Connection Guide and also manage a website, CareAvailability.com, that covers senior care and housing for the United States.

JAMIE: Very nice. And you have been in this industry for a very long time, right?

AMY: Yeah, since the dawn of time. I think I started in '97, shortly after I graduated college.

JAMIE: Oh my gosh.

AMY: Mostly in senior living.

JAMIE: That definitely makes you an expert of sorts on all different things. So Amy has lots of different things that she does, and she is an absolute wealth of information and a fantastic public speaker. She's here today, though, because something happened in her own life — very early on in life. So she's going to talk with us a little bit about grief, healing, and moving forward. Amy, tell us your story.

AMY: So my husband passed away two years ago. Prior to that, he was diagnosed with colon cancer back in 2019. So we were living with that and really thought that we were going to beat it. He was diagnosed at 49 and was stage three at the time. Then we were told that we had beat it, and then we were told it was back — but that we could live with it for a long time at stage four. And time was a little bit more limited than we thought.

JAMIE: This was something that you shared — and it was really profound — because we lived this journey with you.

AMY: Very much. I run a couple of network meetings, and it kind of came a year after losing my best friend to cancer. When my best friend Krista passed away, I really had a hard time not losing myself in all the anger and everything that came with that. I really couldn't come up with a good reason for why her — not that there's a good reason for anyone. But once my husband was diagnosed, I chose to look at it as: what are the things that happen to you, happen for you? And I chose to look at that time with Krista's cancer as my training ground.

JAMIE: That was probably wise given everything that transpired after. I know that in sharing what was transpiring in your home life, it was really enlightening to those of us who have not been through that — in so many different ways. Part of it is because you're a mother of children that were still living at home, so there were all of these things as a family that you were still trying to do. But I also think it was really heartfelt because we got to see how you were trying your very best to live every day. And I want you to tell some of the stories of the things that you did as a family. You did really amazing things to close this chapter with the best intention for your kids.

AMY: My husband and I both kind of decided: we will never be upset about the things that we did do. We would regret the things that we did not do. And even if he survived and everything went great, we're never going to regret having those memories with our children — those vacations, that time. So we just decided to embrace all of those moments.

JAMIE: You were very purposeful about it, and it was beautiful to watch from the outside. I feel like it really set a stage for those of us who have not been through something like that — in terms of what or how we might want to handle it, should we face something like this. Everybody's going to face it eventually. But I feel like when you are our age — fifties, early fifties — it's not something you really expect to happen to your husband right away.

AMY: And when my friend was diagnosed, she was just such a giving person — whatever someone else needed, whatever time they needed. I kind of learned from that to put up my own boundaries. And I'm not someone who usually has a lot of boundaries. So I learned to better tell people what I needed, what we wanted. Even so much as — if I decided to start dating again after he was gone — I'm like, this is the story, this is how I'm handling this, instead of waiting for what I perceived as the judgment.

JAMIE: Sure, absolutely. And that's something I would not have even considered. Tell us a little bit about the walkthrough of grief, because I would imagine — and I know this happens with a lot of folks — when you are the caregiver at home and you are so busy meeting the needs of the person that you're taking care of, when do you really start to walk through grief?

AMY: I would say the hardest part was the time after my husband and I spoke with the doctor — in the ten minutes before we told our kids. What are we going to say? Do we put on the happy face? The brave face? The miserable face? Trying to figure out which person to be.

And then I didn't realize that actually wasn't the hardest part. It was after they told us he was going to be okay, and then it was back. And we told the kids again. And then they said he could live with it for a while — maybe up to 20 years — and then it wasn't, and we had to tell the kids again. It was literally probably telling the kids that dad may pass away four separate times.

JAMIE: Yeah. I cannot even imagine. I remember being with you in Portland and hearing some of this, and even as an outsider — someone that is not family, somebody that is a friend who was previously an acquaintance — just wondering: how does someone weather all of these emotions?

AMY: Luckily, I have found that probably my biggest strength is resilience, and I've leaned into that. I definitely compartmentalize things, and I am a fan of power posing. So before I'd go into a network meeting, I'd put my game face on: okay, I am here for work Amy today. I am here for mom Amy today. I'm here for wife Amy today. And then just trying to look immediately in front of me — not four months, two years down the road.

JAMIE: I attended some of those meetings with you, Amy, and I remember that exact thing happening. I remember feeling comfortable enough to approach you and say, "I know this is the mode that you're in — here's a little love."

AMY: Yes. And actually, that is one of the nicest things people can do. "I'm thinking of you, here's a little bit of love." One of the questions that is so annoying — although kind — is when people say, "How are you?" And even their voice implies how they feel you should be. "How are you?"

JAMIE: Yeah. And maybe in that moment you don't want to be feeling those emotions.

AMY: Exactly.

JAMIE: You just want to be doing the thing.

AMY: I just did my power pose, I'm ready.

JAMIE: Being in this industry, you had a great deal of additional insight from the backend, right? You're not just weathering this as a recipient of something happening to you — you've helped hundreds of families go through this exact same kind of thing. Would you say that helped you significantly?

AMY: Significantly. I was very fortunate that my husband and I did have a long-term care insurance policy. We purchased it when my friend was sick, and even though we had to wait a couple of months for it to kick in, that helped tremendously — because he was also my business partner, so I was losing that income as well, in addition to trying to coordinate care. Taking that financial burden off was huge.

My husband and I also set up a trust back in 2010. A lot of people think that's for people who are wealthy, and it's not. Because of the trust, I did not have to go through probate. I did not have to manage a lot of that. We had a lot of our assets already in the name of the trust. So when he passed away, everything just flowed through — titles to the house, everything stayed pretty seamless. So I think my background of knowing those types of planning things, that I had done years in advance not knowing this was going to happen, really helped.

JAMIE: I can't say that enough times. Setting up a trust is so critically important, and that is an episode that we really need to do on the podcast so people truly understand the benefits — and the benefits are unparalleled. You really need to do that.

You emphasized the importance of being your own advocate in knowing some of those things you needed to set up. But how did that serve you with medical professionals?

AMY: Essentially, when we got the diagnosis, I was an avid note-taker. Not everybody is capable of doing that — sometimes when you just hear something, you freeze. I'm fortunate that I'm not built that way. So I was taking lots of notes, then I would Google every word, and then I would reach out to doctors and people that I knew in the industry to find out more. That helped me have more questions when I went in — to the point that the doctor actually started scheduling extra time because I was "little miss questions."

JAMIE: I'm sure. So recognizing that you are somebody who is going to push doctors to give you answers, and then go home and Google everything and get to the bottom of it — for someone who isn't capable of doing that and maybe needs a little bit of help, how would you encourage them to ask for help?

AMY: I would say really be mindful of separating tasks from emotions. The tasks of medical appointments and logistics — that's one thing. But then you have all the other parts of your life: doing the laundry, making dinners, all of that. And I was not very good at asking for help. It was actually a really good friend of mine who said, "Amy, it's not you asking. It's that we want to do something. We want to support you." And that took the burden off me feeling helpless, or feeling needy, or like I was asking for more than somebody could give.

JAMIE: I think it's really important to note here too — when you say to someone, "How can I help you?" — someone gave me this bit of advice probably 20 years ago and I have used it over and over again. When somebody says to you, "How can I help you?" 99% of the time, they don't even know what they need help with. They just need you to do something. So the advice that I received was: just show up and start doing the laundry. If you are in their inner circle, just deliver a meal — because even if they can't eat it tonight, they can eat it tomorrow night. Just do something.

AMY: Yes, absolutely. And even with that — when I talked about the boundaries earlier — sometimes when people wanted to deliver a meal, they also wanted to hang out and talk about how I was feeling. And that alone was draining. So when people would ask, "Can I bring you a meal?" I'd say yes, and I have a cooler outside. Please put it in the cooler. If you can bring it in a Ziploc or disposable dishes that I don't have to return, that's great. Don't make another task for me of having to be emotionally ready to have a conversation or return your dishes. So I had a cooler outside, and if people wanted to deliver food, I told them that was the spot.

If people wanted to come and hang out, I'd say, "I will be watching this show — I do it every Thursday. If you'd like to come fold laundry with me and watch Grey's Anatomy, we can do that." But I didn't really just want to sit around and mope. That's not how I was built, because that almost seemed like more of a task.

JAMIE: I think that is true for probably the vast majority of the population. Even if they want to be emotionally supported, what they don't want is to feel like they're managing all of these things and now they're also having to manage keeping a game face and being gracious to the person who's come over to their house to do something for them. It's just another task.

AMY: Yeah. And I have a large group, and people are always asking, "What's going on? What have you heard? What have you done?" So I started a CaringBridge post where I could post everything in one place and just share that link. Occasionally I'd have friends say, "I want to hear from you," and I understand that they were reaching out. But it got to the point where when I was giving information, it was almost like I was reporting the weather — I didn't have any emotion behind it. It was a lot easier for me to put down my thoughts and then just share that link. Even if somebody reached out, I'd say, "Here's a link, here's what's happened."

JAMIE: And being very type A like you are, it's also the opportunity for you to check that box. You're done, and you don't have to deal with that anymore. And if anybody asks, you can just say, "Read the post." I get that completely and totally.

I'm curious to know — after Lyman passed, how were folks most supportive to you?

AMY: Just being present. And everyone is there right after it happens. I think what was most important for me is that in the right after, you're dealing with logistics — funeral homes, the Social Security Administration, paperwork, making sure the kids are okay, getting them enrolled in school. All of those tasks. So I think it's almost three months, six months later that it really hits and you feel that loneliness and that isolation.

One time I was supposed to go out and I just couldn't. Two of my friends showed up at my house and I said, "No, I don't really have it in me." They said, "We know, and that's why we're here. You don't have to look cute. You don't have to be friendly. You don't even have to be pleasant. You're going — you're getting out of the house." And one of my friends actually said, "We're going to take a shower today." She didn't take it with me — she just got me motivated to do it.

JAMIE: Sure, yeah.

AMY: And I think that's why they say grief is a wave. It's not a straight line. You really never know when it's going to hit you. It's not like you grieve, grieve, grieve, and then you get better. You could be doing better for a year and then, two years from now, you may hit rock bottom again.

It's been two years, and my son was playing soccer a couple of months ago. When my husband was sick, I would video him or text him the score because he couldn't always be there. And as my son was playing, he scored, and I picked up the phone and I started texting Lyman — just out of habit.

JAMIE: Wow.

AMY: Yeah.

JAMIE: You guys had such a remarkable relationship, and you raised your kids together — all the things. Not everybody's so lucky. But you guys had a very lucky and blessed life.

AMY: Yeah. And I would say no marriage is perfect. I think that is something that happens when someone passes away — you really do glorify those good times. Even then, I've talked to my therapist and I'm like, "I can't believe some of the things that I argued about, some of the things I was upset about." And she actually told me to forgive myself. She said, "You couldn't be mad at cancer, so you were mad at this instead." And that really helped me a lot to understand how I was managing it during those four years.

JAMIE: That's great insight.

AMY: And it's okay to be mad about things.

JAMIE: That's great insight. Yeah. I'm sure that many people will appreciate hearing that. You have to forgive yourself. What would you say to somebody who is hearing from their family, friends, or adult children, "You just need to be strong. You just need to move on." What's your perspective on that?

AMY: I'm trying to censor myself right now. But I would say — grief is not a timeline. It happens when it happens, and you're ready when you're ready. Full disclosure: I actually went online to start dating not because I was ready, but because it was a distraction. And it was actually my teenage son who encouraged me to do it. I asked him, "Are you sure about this?" He said, "No, I think you dating right now would be a disaster. But I think you scrolling online would be better than you crying every night."

So at first it was really more of a distraction. I would say there's no such thing as the right time or moving on. For me, I love to dance, so I went country dancing by myself. Occasionally my friends would go with me. I hadn't gone in years and it was uncomfortable, but it was like stretching a new nerve, stretching a new muscle — just kind of getting out there.

JAMIE: And sometimes you just want to feel a new emotion. I can definitely relate to that. I had a period of time back in October where for some reason I was experiencing extreme anxiety — it was controlling me. I would get it about an hour after I woke up and it would be with me until about four o'clock in the afternoon every day. During this emotional rollercoaster I was on, I happened to be in Waikiki for business and I had two free days. I could go to the beach, I could do anything I wanted. And when I called my husband at home, I said, "I'm going to do something that isn't any of the things I said I was going to do. I'm going to go swimming — free dive — with white sharks."

AMY: Oh.

JAMIE: And he said, "Great white sharks?" And he said, "Why are you doing that?" And I said, "Because I want to feel any emotion other than anxiety. I want to feel fear. I want to feel anything but what I'm feeling right now." So I get it — pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone just so you can feel a different set of emotions.

AMY: Yeah. And as I'm trying to learn the steps to the Cowboy Cha Cha, I can't be thinking of anything else. I'm just trying to remember right foot or left foot.

JAMIE: Yeah, it's a great distraction. What else would you like folks to hear about?

AMY: I would say just showing up and being there. And it's not about asking, "How are you doing?" It's just, "I'm thinking of you." I have someone I know through work who recently lost her mom, and I just sent her a text and I started it with: "No reply needed." I said, "I just noticed that the last couple of times I've been around you, you seem a little down or distracted. I just want you to know that you matter and I'm thinking about you — and you don't have to reply."

I think letting people know that you don't have to reply is important. For me, I also didn't realize the army of people I had. I hear people often say, "Oh, we're all in the same boat," and I strongly disagree with that. We may all be in the same storm, but some people have a yacht, some people have water wings, and some people never learned to swim.

When my friend was sick, people helped however they could. Some people came in to help me clean the house, flip a room, get it ready for out-of-town guests. I had people show up who I never would have thought would come. There weren't even enough jobs for everyone to do. And just that feeling — and also realizing that not everyone has that, and even if they do, they may not have the capacity to know what to do to help. So I was very fortunate, and that is not lost on me.

JAMIE: Yeah. You are very fortunate, Amy. And it's in part because of the role that you play in the community — you really hold up a lot of people.

AMY: Thank you.

JAMIE: Yeah, you're welcome. When we look at loved ones — family, adult children, siblings — how would you advise them on creating a space that is both remembering Lyman and embracing the opportunity to move forward?

AMY: I would say first, be honest about what you're feeling. Sometimes with my kids, I felt like I needed to be strong. I remember one of the last times — actually the third or fourth time — when we told them, "This is not going well. Dad has limited time." Going back home to the house after the hospital, we were all very quiet, staring blankly at the TV. And I just went to the refrigerator and I said, "I feel like I should be crying right now, and I'm not. I'm just numb. I don't even know what I'm feeling."

But verbalizing those emotions really opened up the stream of conversation. My kids were like, "Yes — that's how I feel too." And I think sometimes we feel like we need to be strong for those closest to us, but really being honest about how you're feeling — whether it's confusion, feeling lost, or anger — really allows them to say how they're feeling so that you can go through it together.

JAMIE: It's so true. And while everybody's emotional journey does look different, it is very similar in other ways.

Amy, thank you so much for being here today and talking about this. I know that this is a difficult subject for everyone who has experienced it in any way. I haven't had a lot of loss in my life. I lost my grandfather, and like you, I went into it — it was something I dreaded. He was the center of my universe my entire life. And I think I had grieved so much in the fear leading up to what life was going to be like when he wasn't the person I called to say, "How do I change the oil in my car?" or "I want to share this really exciting thing with you." He was that person I called for everything.

And when he passed, I went through a series of very weird emotions. I became very numb. I didn't cry for a very long time — and this was probably 15 years ago. I feel like I'm still grieving his loss in little things that happen — things I come across, memories I have of him, flipping through the photo album, whatever. There is no other person like him on the planet, and there never will be. So just letting everyone know: grief is your journey.

AMY: Yeah. And I think anticipatory grief is really hard too, because you want to be so connected with the person, but at the same time your heart is trying to build up walls so that you are ready. And I think that was the hardest part for me — that feeling of limbo. If I knew he was going to pass away in six months, I could have done six months. If I knew it was going to be 15 years, I could have done 15 years. It was the not knowing — living in that kind of intermittent uncertainty — and asking yourself: how much of my heart and soul do I let remain open, and how much do I guard and prepare?

JAMIE: Yeah, that makes total sense. Thank you so much, Amy, for being here today.

AMY: Thank you.

JAMIE: Thank you for listening to the Team Senior Podcast. We're here every week sharing new and relevant information. Remember, we're just a phone call away. Team Senior can be reached at 541-295-8230. Again, that's 541-295-8230. Until next time, this is Jamie Callahan.